The Ultimate cliche catalogue
by Catch 23
Summary: SICK of cliched and repetitive stories? APPALLED by bad spelling and grammar? LOVE random capitalisation? Then this, my friend, is the story for you. Now with EXTRA sarcasm.
1. Romance

**The Ultimate cliché catalogue**

Summary: You remember those gawd-awful clichés that just keep coming back? Well, they are the inspiration for this series of stupid and pointless tales. There will (eventually) be one for every genre. I hope.

Warnings: Will be very stupid. Very, very stupid. Also, in the spirit of the original, random CAPITALISATION.

Author's notes: Inspired by the awesome Harry Potter Cliché Catalogue by Clam Chowder1, sadly removed from this site.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, and if Clam Chowder1 objects to me stealing this, I'm sorry and will take it down. But then imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and blatant plagiarism is what fan fiction is all about.

Chapter 1 – Romance

_Domino high school. Morning. Cause this is how these things have to begin._

YUGI: Woe is me, for I am in love with my best friend. But she doesn't love me; she just loves the ancient Egyptian spirit that inhabited my body, who is now dead. This makes me sad.

- He looks CUTE and FORLORN. All the READERS sympathize and want to comfort him, and murder that whore, TEA.

JOEY: Hey Yug! How's it hanging?

- YUGI bravely tries to hide his inner pain and turmoil from his friends.

YUGI: Fine, (sob choke) how (whimper) are you?

- His friends obtusely ignore his pain.

JOEY: Ah'm just great, Yug, an Ah got da greatest news!

- The AUTHOR tries to transcribe JOEY's dubbed Brooklyn accent. It is painful.

JOEY: Mah sister's startin school today!

-SERENITY enters. The AUTHOR uses some painful metaphors to describe her radiant beauty. Flame read hair will probably come up. It is conveniently forgotten that she is about twelve. That GUY WHOSE NAME NO ONE CAN EVER REMEMBER hits on her.

JOEY: Keep yo hands off mah sister!

- SERENITY is very INNOCENT and NAIVE, and fails to notice their advances. INNOCENT and NAIVE READERS think that she would be perfect for poor INNOCENT, NAIVE YUGI, as a distraction from his broken heart, but EVERYONE knows that's not how these things work. EVERYONE knows that opposites attract. Now who would NEVER be paired with her…?

KAIBA: Hello losers.

- Kaiba's insane sexiness is described in nauseating detail with special emphasis put on his sexy trench coat, despite the fact that he should be in school uniform. The AUTHOR almost kills her keyboard from drooling on it, and we are almost saved the pain of this story. Almost.

JOEY: You are a jerk. Go away.

-Everyone ignores him, as he is poor and does not have a sexy trench coat. He and Kaiba proceed to call each other names, but since the author has only watched the dub, these consist mainly of "moneybags" and "mutt". The READERS are bored, so the AUTHOR quickly brings in more pretty boys.

-BAKURA enters, and again, his sexiness is described for an inordinate amount of time until we want to DIE. The author neglects to specify which one she is talking about. We will assume it is the evil one, as fangirls insist on calling the good one by his first name.

- The AUTHOR suddenly realizes that the many love triangles she has planed will not work if half the characters are sharing bodies. She quickly and cunningly comes up with a bullshit excuse. Yami walks in.

YAMI: Hey, turns out that when I went through the magic door, I didn't die, I just got my own body! Neat huh? Oh, and so did all the other spirits for some reason. And we're all going to this school cause…um…education is the future!

- Pretty much every attractive character that's ever had a speaking part enters. They all stand around looking ATTRACTIVE and LOVELY, while everyone else wallows in a sea of mediocrity.

- An UNNAMED TEACHER enters. The TEACHER doesn't really matter, as it's not like anyone will actually study during the course of this story.

UNNAMED TEACHER: We have a new student. Her name is –insert humorous parody of a typical Sue name here-

-The teacher disappears through a plot hole, to appear later on to give some random couples a pointless yet provocative detention, possibly involving painting a classroom after school, forcing them to remove dirty clothes. With surprising results.

- The SUE is beautiful. Her ebony hair is naturally streaked with highlights in all the colours of the rainbow and reaches the floor and which most certainly doesn't clash with her brilliant sparkly eyes which change colour depending on her mood. She unsurprisingly has a DARK and TROUBLED past, a MILLENIUM ITEM, a YAMI, and is: the reincarnation of ATEM'S sister/KAIBA'S long lost friend from the orphanage/BAKURA'S long lost lover etc.

-Now that all the characters are in place, let the romance begin!

_Domino high school – we don't care when_

-KAIBA is busy EMOING.

KAIBA: I hate myself, and I hate my life and I wish I was dead. It's not my fault I'm an evil jerk.

-He proceeds to relate his tragic life history to no one in particular. SERENITY overhears.

SERENITY: Oh, how tragic.

-She innocently and naively tries to befriend him. He rebuffs her. This happens repeatedly with increasing sexual tension, till they finally make out. Stupid readers are shocked by this clever plot twist.

STUPID READERS: Wow, I didn't see this coming! Gotta find out how this turns out!!

YAMI: I am very confused. I am dating ISHZU, having an affair with REBECCA but am in love with MAI, who has a crush on MARIK but is seeing RYOU.

TEA: I love you, YAMI.

- Everyone HATES and IGNORES her, and she is pared of with someone ugly. Lets say THAT STUPID PENGUIN GUY.

JOEY: Oh no. How do I tell Odeon that I can't be with him because I'm actually in love with both Lumos and Umbra?

ODEON: Nooooooooooooooo! You said we were made for eachother!

KAIBA: I have been redeemed by my DEEP and MEANINGFULL relationship with SERENITY. I no longer hate everyone.

YUGI: YAY. That's great, SETO!

-Everyone gratuitously calls him by his first name. Even JOEY, who is oddly ok with his arch nemesis dating his precious little sister.

REBECCA: I'm sorry REX and WEEVIL, but you two just aren't hot enough for me. I'm leaving you for PEGASUS.

-REX proceeds to write dark poetry and cut himself, while WEEVIL jumps of a bridge. This is DEEP, and READERS are moved.

- The characters LIE and CHEAT on each other, but as they are PRETTY and DEEPLY in LOVE, it is ok. There is much FLUFF. There is no sex, because sex is NAUGHTY.

SLASH LOVERS: Aww.

- The characters are in the game shop. All their secrets have, through various CUNNING plot devices, been exposed. There are tearful CONFRONTATIONS.

JOEY: Why, MOKUBA? I thought we were meant for each other!

MOKUBA: I'm sorry, JOEY, but you just don't complete me in the same way that BANDIT KEITH does.

BANDIT KEITH: Well, I'm sorry, but I have decided that I can only be happy with GRANDPA.

-Suddenly, some UNSPECIFIED EVIL attacks.

UNSPECIFIED EVIL: HAHA!! I will FINALLY have my VENGEANCE, PHARAOH! By MURDERING your TRUE LOVE! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

YAMI: What did I ever do to you?

UNSPECIFIED EVIL: Um…That's not the point! Now who is your true love?

YAMI: It's PEGASUS. No, KAIBA. No, his BEWD!! No…Damn…

UNSPECIFIED EVIL: Hell with it.

- It grabs the nearest person, who happens to be THAT STUPID PENGUIN GUY.

THAT STUPID PENGUIN GUY: PENGUINS!!!!!

TEA: Nooooo! We must save my one true love!

YAMI: Do we have to?

TEA: YES!

EVERYONE: Fine.

- After much HEROISM, SELF SACRIFICE, LOVE and FRIENDSHIP, the UNSPECIFIED EVIL is defeated. TEA dies in the battle. The READERS rejoice.

-After many LONG and POIGNANT speeches that go on for pages without going anywhere, everyone resolves their romantic issues and learns to live in harmony.

KAIBA: Now what?

JOEY: Lets walk of into da sunset.

-They do. And live happily ever after. Until the writer's next story, where they all do exactly the same thing all over again.

MARY SUE: Hey, that sucked. And what the hell happened to me? Where was I? This was a lame parody and-

THE END

R&R people. Flames are welcomed. I'm wearing asbestos. Do your worst.


	2. Humor and Self insertion

**The Ultimate cliché catalogue**

Summary: You remember those gawd-awful clichés that just keep coming back? Well, they are the inspiration for this series of stupid and pointless tales. There will (eventually) be one for every genre. I hope.

Warnings: Will be very stupid. Very, very stupid. Also, in the spirit of the original, random CAPITALISATION.

Author's notes: Inspired by the awesome Harry Potter Cliché Catalogue by Clam Chowder1, sadly removed from this site. And I don't hate Tea, (Well, I'm annoyed by the dubbed incarnation), it just seems everyone else does.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, and if Clam Chowder1 objects to me stealing this, I'm sorry and will take it down. But then imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and blatant plagiarism is what fan fiction is all about.

No offence is intended to people who have written stories like the ones I am parodying. I'm sorry if it upsets you. This is just meant to be funny.

Chapter 2 – Humor/Self-insertion

AUTHOR: Hey, you know what would be really KEWL?

READERS: What…?

AUTHOR: If I wrote a fic where me and my friends actually went to the YUGIOH world!!

READERS: Please don't. It will suck.

AUTHOR: No, it would be really funny! Or what if all my favorite characters came and lived at my house!?!

- READERS WHO VALUE THEIR SANITY franticly hit the back button. But it's too late…

ANNOYING OC 1: HEYA! I'm going to talk in a really ANNOYING and HYPERACTIVE way! WHEE! Don't you just want me to DIE!?!

ANNOYING OC 2: I also am ANNOYING and HYPERACTIVE!!

AOC1: I'm BORED!!

AOC2: I also am BORED!!

AOC1: Wouldn't it be KEWL to meet the YUGIOH CHARACTERS!?! I bet we wouldn't be BORED then!!! Imagine the wacky hijinx that would ensue!!

- Suddenly, to everyone's COMPLETE surprise, the YUGIOH CHARACTERS are sucked through a MYSTERIOUS portal and end up in their living room.

JOEY: WOW! Where are we!?

THAT GUY WHOSE NAME NO ONE BOTHERS TO LEARN: I don't KNOW!

AOC1: HEY! LOOK! It's YUGI-CHAN!!! KAWAII!!!!!

AOC2: LOL!! So it is!! WOW!! How UNLIKELY and SUPRISING!!!

AOC1: You guys wanna stay at my house for no good reason!?!

ALL: OK!!

- Wacky hijinx ensue.

YAMI: As an ancient Egyptian, I have no concept of how to work modern appliances!! Watch me humorously fail to work a microwave!!!

- He accidentally blows it up. This is funny.

YAMI: Ooops.

AOC2: Oh, Yami. That was silly. KAWAII!!

- JOEY and KAIBA watch TV. They want to watch different programs. An amusing argument ensues.

JOEY: FRAISER!!!

KAIBA: No, WILL AND GRACE!!!

JOEY: No, FRAISER!!!

KAIBA: Well, I have the remote, so we're watching WILL AND GRACE. Loser.

JOEY: Damn it.

AOC1: I will teach you to forget your differences and compromise!!!

KAIBA: Like HELL you can.

- She uses her amazing powers of being an OC, and forces them to reconcile.

JOEY: Hell, lets just watch BAYWATCH.

KAIBA: Fine.

AUTHOR: Damn, this isn't random enough!!! FOOD FIGHT!!!!

- There is a food fight. People get covered in food. It is not very funny.

YAMI: Hey, how about I wash everyone's clothes?

- He amusingly fails to work the washing machine. Their clothes are shrunk.

ALL: Oh, YAMI!!

AOC1: You guys will have to borrow my clothes!!!

- The male characters are forced to wear dresses. Sadly, even cross-dressing doesn't make this funny.

AOC1: Well, we'll have to go buy some more. KAWAII!!!

- They go to the mall. Wacky hijinx ensue.

MARIK/MALIK (they're interchangeable): I want to ride the pony outside Wal-Mart!!

- He/they do. Still not funny.

- A highly contrived series of events, possibly involving BAKURA getting sugar high and the trying to steal a plushy tellytubby, lead to them all getting chased by the police.

YAMI: This is ridiculous! I am the pharaoh!!

- He accosts the police, and is arrested, along with the rest of the cast. AOC1 uses her infuriating MARY-SUENESS and talks them out of it in an annoying and patronizing way. By now, even the slightly retarded people that are still reading this want to KILL her.

- They go home. More wackiness ensues, possibly involving YAMI and a VACUUM cleaner. The slightly retarded people still reading this have hung themselves with their mouse cables.

- SUDDENLY, as the AUTHOR runs out of ideas, the ELEPHANT PINEAPPLE MEN from the planet SMARTIES attack with their CHEESE GRATERS OF DOOM™

ELEPHANT PINEAPPLE MAN: Give us your marmite flavored m&ms or DIE!

JOEY: Never! You can take our lives but you can never take our marmite flavored m&ms!

- Fortunately for our heroes, AOC1 uses her sheer cunning and awesome powers to defeat them with half a TWINKIE and a pair of SOCKS. What an amusing and clever twist. But TEA dies.

- Suddenly, PEGASUS enters. He is wearing a dress.

PEGASUS: Hellooo, daaaarlings. Turns out I'm queer and in drag. Look at how comically gay I am!

- This is not funny or at all surprising. The AUTHOR quickly moves on.

- YAMI tries to make toast. It gets burnt. This is funny.

-The rest of the story goes unread as the final remaining READER throws her computer out of the window and then jumps out after it.

THE END

Thank You, and Good Night.

To my reviewers (all 2 of you) thank you, and to Growing Pain; I plan to write a parody of every major genre first, but after that I would be happy to take requests, and Seto/Jou will certainly go on my to-do list.


	3. Angst

**The Ultimate cliché catalogue**

Summary: You remember those gawd-awful clichés that just keep coming back? Well, they are the inspiration for this series of stupid and pointless tales. There will (eventually) be one for every genre. I hope.

Warnings: Will be very stupid. Very, very stupid. Also, in the spirit of the original, random CAPITALISATION.

Author's notes: Inspired by the awesome Harry Potter Cliché Catalogue by Clam Chowder1, sadly removed from this site. And I don't hate Tea, (Well, I'm annoyed by the dubbed incarnation), it just seems everyone else does.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, and if Clam Chowder1 objects to me stealing this, I'm sorry and will take it down. But then imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and blatant plagiarism is what fan fiction is all about.

No offence is intended to people who have written stories like the ones I am parodying. I'm sorry if it upsets you. This is just meant to be funny. Tell me if I failed miserably.

Chapter 3 – Angst

- YUGI is in his room, being depressed. Get used to it. Very little else is going to happen. His GRIEF and INNER TURMOIL is so great, he is forced to resort to painfully bad similes to describe it.

YUGI: I feel like I am drowning in a toilet filled with the rotting corpses of murdered bunny rabbits. There is a festering wound in my heart that feels like a ten-headed fire breathing pit-bull with knives for teeth is chewing on it.

I am short with BIZARRE hair, I have no father, my GRANDFATHER keeps staring at my best friend's chest, I have an unrequited crush on said best friend, and my weird leather tank top has shrunk in the wash.

- He BITCHES for another 10 pages, and then takes some heroin. This shows his emotional conflict and is DEEP.

- RYOU is in his apartment, being scared.

RYOU: Oh God. He'll be home soon. Oh God. If this apartment isn't spotless, he'll kill me!

- BAKURA comes home and, unsurprisingly, decides the apartment isn't spotless.

BAKURA: I see DUST BUNNIES!!!! Now you pay!

- He viciously beats RYOU with red hot pokers, brands him with red hot pokers, force-feeds him red hot pokers etc. This goes on for another 10 pages. He finally leaves RYOU smoking in a pool of blood and goes to bed.

- KAIBA is standing in the rain somewhere.

KAIBA: I'm screwed up enough as a character already. I've been orphaned, abused and generally treated like life's bitch. What more can you possibly do to me?

AUTHOR: This.

- There is a disturbing flashback in which he is graphically raped by his stepfather. This is described in nauseating detail till the readers want to wash their own eyes out with sulphuric acid.

KAIBA: Damn. I hate you.

- The author makes him go stand on the parapet of a bridge and contemplate jumping.

- JOEY is…somewhere. Like it matters.

JOEY: I'm sick of playing second fiddle to dat stuck up asshole, da pharaoh. I'm never gonna be as good as him.

THAT GUY WHOES NAME WE CAN'T REMEMBER: Dude, there's a reason it's called "YUGIOH" – we're only secondary characters. At least people remember your name…

JOEY: There's only one ting ta do; I'll sell my soul to evil an murder him. Den I will rule da world wid my awesome dueling skillz.

READERS: Yeah, snort. Good luck with that.

- THE GUY WHOES NAME WE CAN'T REMEMBER wanders off to listen to depressing EMO music and write morbid EMO poetry and drink himself into an early grave. Meanwhile, JOEY begins to plot his former best friend's demise for no good reason. He starts hiding in dark corners and develops SHIFTY EYES.

- In a futile attempt to make this seem at least vaguely related to CANON, the author makes up some bullshit about AN ANCIENT EVIL or something.

YAMI: No matter how hard I try, no matter how much evil I smite, there's always more. I'm fighting a losing battle. I can't ever win. What the hell is the point?

- He gets his tongue pierced and borrows some of YUGI'S heroin. This is DEEP. We are moved by his internal conflict.

- MOKUBA is in his room being EMO.

MOKUBA: No I'm not. I'm a cheerful and perky person, with no emotional problems.

AUTHOR: SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BRAT!!! THIS IS MY STORY AND IF I SAY YOU'RE SCREWED UP, YOU WILL BE SCREWED UP!!!

MOKUBA: Eeep…ok…I am very emotionally disturbed, and I think I have inappropriate feelings for my older brother. Please don't kill me.

- READERS are again nauseated and want to gouge out their own eyes.

- KAIBA enters. He is touchingly brotherly, while MOKUBA stares at his crotch. We are freaked out and skip ahead to the next chapter.

- The ANCIENT EVIL'S LAYER OF SIN

ANCIENT EVIL: Why would you betray your friend to me…?

JOEY: Cause he's better dan me.

ANCIENT EVIL: …Fair enough. And what do you want in return?

JOEY: I want my own manga and anime series, my own movies, my own TCG game, a line of lame video games, my own rabid fan girls, my own clothing line, including underwear –

ANCIENT EVIL'S MINION: Do we really want to kill the pharaoh this badly, my lord?

ANCIENT EVIL: Yes. Though I don't know why.

AUTHOR: Just adlib.

ANCIENT EVIL: Right…cause of that thing he did to me, that time, in that place.

- BAKURA'S apartment. He beats RYOU some more. We are disturbed that something so horrific could become so boring and monotonous.

- The game shop or something.

YAMI: Are you ok JOEY? You've been rather odd lately.

- JOEY mutilates children, vomits green slime and rotates his head 360 degrees.

JOEY: I'm just peachy.

YAMI: You know, JOEY, I really appreciate your friendship. It's got me through some tough times and I don't know where I would be without it.

- JOEY gets SHIFTY EYES and smirks evilly. He really can't pull it off.

- Just to make things plausible, YAMI and KAIBA duel, but since the author has no interest in card games and they're both off their heads on antidepressants, it's not particularly coherent. We again skip ahead to the next chapter where the FINAL CONFRONTATION is taking place…cue dramatic music.

YAMI: OH NO! The ANCIENT EVIL somehow knows about the one weakness in my deck…but how…?

JOEY: It was I that betrayed you, FOOL!!! MWA HA HA HA HA!!!

KAIBA: Dude, leave the maniacal laughter to the professionals.

YAMI: JOEY? But why?

JOEY: Dunno. For shits and giggles, I guess.

YAMI: But I thought we were friends…sniff…

- He makes an inspiring speech about the power of friendship etc.

JOEY: Whatever. I'm still gonna kill you.

- The metaphorical faeces now hits the metaphorical air-conditioning system. Here is a summary of events;

Someone kills TEA. We don't care who, just as long as she is DEAD.

GRANDPA does…stuff to her corpse.

THAT GUY WHOSE NAME WE CANT REMEMBER dies of alcohol poisoning.

BAKURA beats RYOU to death, then sips in the blood and breaks his neck.

KAIBA slits his wrists.

MOKUBA, seeing the object of his desire dead, kills himself too.

WEEVIL gets a paper cut.

YUGI takes an overdose. And dies.

YAMI defeats and kills JOEY, and subsequently is emotionally destroyed.

He is then killed by the ANCIENT EVIL.

READERS: What the…?

- We are all disturbed and concerned for the author's mental health.

AUTHOR: I like love YUGI and everyone but I was like sick of them being so like happy and stuff. I tried to make it like much more like realistic and stuff. Like.

READERS THAT HAVENT SLIT THEIR WRISTS YET: Yes…because in real life, people often sell out their best friends to get their own line of underwear…

- We all run off to read humour fics.

AN END

The next one will be better…

That one wasn't so good and to be honest, even thinking of some of things made me want to wash my mind out with (you guessed it) sulphuric acid (hey, I have a chem. Exam tomorrow). Apologies for any distress this may have caused, but it had to be done. Well, actually it didn't but...I'm just going to shut up now. R&R please.


	4. Action Adventure

**The Ultimate cliché catalogue**

Summary: Hell with it. If you've read up to this chapter then you know the deal.

Warnings: See above.

Author's notes: See above again.

Disclaimer: Ditto.

Chapter 4 – Action/Adventure

- It is a DARK and STORMY night. The gang are in the game shop, helping GRANDPA take an inventory or something. SUDDENLY, they find a STRANGE game. The STRANGENESS is forced on us repeatedly.

YUGI: Gee, this game sure is STRANGE!

JOEY: Yeah. STRANGEST game I've ever seen.

GRANDPA: Oh no. You can't play that!

JOEY: Never even occurred to me. But now you mention it, I really want to play it!

GRANDPA: That is an ANCIENT EVIL BOARDGAME OF EVILNESS™. It must not be played, or it shall unleash a terrible disaster upon the world. Or something.

- He is OLD. And the gang know better than to listen to OLD people. Long story short, they play the ANCIENT EVIL BOARDGAME OF EVILNESS™. And, unsurprisingly, EVIL is unleashed.

JOEY: Who would have thought it?

The world is SHROUDED IN DARKNESS. And, as is obligatory in an Action/Adventure fic, the duel monsters come to life.

READERS: What does Duel Monsters have to do with the ANCIENT EVIL BOARDGAME OF EVILNESS™?

AUTHOR: Who do you think I am, the answer lady?

READERS:…You _are_ writing this. You should have some idea…

AUTHOR: Fine then. It's because…well…GRANDPA can explain!

GRANDPA: Right, well there was this EVIL sorcerer in ANCIENT EGYPT™ and he did lots of…EVIL stuff. So the PHARAOH sealed him in an ANCIENT EVIL BOARDGAME OF EVILNESS™. And playing it released him.

READERS: That didn't really explain anything…

YUGI: So why didn't you destroy the ANCIENT EVIL BOARDGAME OF EVILNESS™? You just left it lying around where any fool could play it.

GRANDPA: Well…it was SHINY. I couldn't destroy something so SHINY…

THE NAMELESS DUDE: But you know how we can defeat it right?

GRANDPA: Of course I do. It's terribly simple. But I'm not going to tell you. You will have to deal with it yourself.

YUGI: What? Why?

GRANDPA: Well we wouldn't have much of a story if we could just defeat it now, would we?

- He proceeds to die in a stupid and contrived way, leaving YUGI to face the EVIL alone.

YUGI: Damn. Now what? Any ideas YAMI? You defeated this guy before.

YAMI: Nope. I lost my memory, remember? We'll just have to figure it out ourselves, over the course of twenty chapters, each more boring than the last.

JOEY: Sounds like a plan.

- All over town, the monsters wreak havoc. Unimportant people die. KAIBA obtusely ignores the chaos.

KAIBA: It's just a mass hallucination or something, caused by bad ice-cream.

JOEY: For God's sake, one of them is eating your foot!

KAIBA: Ow. Is not.

JOEY: Is too.

KAIBA: Is not.

- This goes on for a while. Eventually;

JOEY: Just shut up and like research this or something. None of us are good for anything, so for plot reasons, you have to help us.

KAIBA: Fine. But only because I don't want that whore of an AUTHOR to character rape me and then pair me with that SUE she's been planning to write.

AUTHOR: Ha. Like you have a choice in the matter.

- Meanwhile, YAMI does something MYSTICAL like contacting the spirits of the dead or something. We can't understand it, so it must be COOL and MEANINGFULL.

SPIRIT OF THE DEAD OR SOMETHING: Toooo defeeeeeat the EEEEvil one yoooooou must destroooooy theeee soooource of his poooower!

YAMI: What?

SPIRIT OF THE DEAD OR SOMETHING: Yooooou muuuust fuuuulfiiill yoooouuur destinyyyy!

YAMI: Could you quit talking like that already? It's really annoying to read. And type.

SPIRIT OF THE DEAD OR SOMETHING: Sorry kid. Anyway, you have to destroy the source of the EVIL STEREOTYPE'S power or the world will be SHROUDED IN DARKNESS forever.

YAMI: What's the source of his power?

SPIRIT OF THE DEAD OR SOMETHING: Who do you think I am, the answer lady? Go figure it out. And believe in the heart of the cards.

YAMI: Huh. Thanks a lot.

- The gang meet up somewhere.

YAMI: I communed with the SPIRIT OF THE DEAD OR SOMETHING, but I didn't find out much.

KAIBA: Well I communed with the oracle of WIKIPEDIA, and found out pretty much everything. Did you know that Elvis didn't really die? He works in a KFC in Minnesota now.

YAMI:…And what about the EVIL STEREOTYPE'S power source?

KAIBA: Oh, I got everything on that in five minutes. It's the 8th millennium item or something, and we have to get it before him, because if we don't he'll become insanely powerful and destroy the world.

YAMI: So what did you guys do?

JOEY: I got into a fight with some random guys. Then we sat around and ate chips.

TEA: Well I have no idea what's going on, so I read some magazines. Could someone tell me what's happening? Anyone? Please?

- Tumbleweed rolls past.

EVIL STEREOTYPE: Damn. I have to get to my power source before those meddling brats. I know! I will send one of my overconfident yet incompetent minions to kill them.

EVIL STEREOTYPE'S MINION: Oooh!! Let me do it!

EVIL STEREOTYPE: Whatever. Just don't screw it up.

- He does. And so do the twelve other morons sent after him. YAMI defeats them without any trouble.

YAMI: Who's da man!? C'mon, who's da man?

- The gang follow a series of random yet insanely complicated clues that appear out of pretty much nowhere, which take them all over the world, until they find the stupid thingy somewhere in Egypt. This takes about twenty chapters.

KAIBA: Why didn't we just to Egypt first? It's always Egypt.

AUTHOR: Shut up.

YAMI: Lets form some kind of stupid army of duelists or something, and go defeat the EVIL STEREOTYPE. Except for REBECCA. She has to stay home because she's too young. And annoying.

REBECCA: Bugger.

TEDDY:…

Every good character ever mentioned converges on the EVIL STEREOTYPE'S lair.

The EVIL STEREOTYPE is still too powerful though, and defeats everyone else.

JOEY: Oh no! My soul is being sent to the shadow realm or something! Even though this has happened countless times before, this is still a SHOCKING and TERRIBLE plot twist.

YAMI: Gawd dammit. Do I have to do everything myself?

HE duels the EVIL STEREOTYPE in a melodramatic and clichéd way.

YAMI: OMG!! I only have 2 l.p. left, no monsters on the field and no cards in my hand, While the EVIL STEREOTYPE has the most insanely powerful monster in existence, that can't be destroyed by anything. What will I do?

READERS: The tension is killing me!!! How can he possibly win!?!

EVIL STEREOTYPE: Hahahahaha. Draw your last card, fool!!

- YAMI draws.

YAMI: I play…Kuriboh…Shit…

EVIL STEREOTYPE: You lose, pharaoh!!!

YAMI: Not so fast. You are forgetting one thing! I am the main character, and cannot lose!

- Kuriboh uses its super secret special ability, and YAMI wins.

READERS: Wow, didn't see that coming!

JOEY: Hey, my soul's back! Excellent.

- Everyone skips merrily off into the sunset.

THE END

Next up, Bizarre AU. Probably the genre that disturbs me the most. Until then, R&R. And love and cyber cookies go out to all those that already have.


	5. AU

**The Ultimate cliché catalogue**

Summary: Hell with it. If you've read up to this chapter then you know the deal.

Warnings: See above.

Author's notes: Not so much parody, as a faithful representation of what actually goes on in the twisted minds of fangirls. They scare me. And fanboys, a small but significant minority.

Disclaimer: KAIBA: She doesn't own us. She's poor and she smells funny.

CATCH 23: But behold my power! I can force the almighty KAIBA SETO to do my bidding. Fear my self indulgence! Fear it!

Chapter 5 – Weird AU

- It was just another normal day in the life of YAMI, the demon prince of HELL. He tortured some innocent babies, set fire to some pensioners, and bit the heads off some innocent bunny wabbits. Then he was bored.

YAMI: I'm booooored.

- He decided to go to the human world, and blow shit up. But while wandering around causing chaos and destruction, he happened to walk past the ocean. And heard some beautiful singing. Or something. He looked into the water, and saw Yugi, a simple yet beautiful mermaid. Suddenly, the EVIL in his heart dissipated, and he wanted nothing more than to…spawn or something with this lovely fish creature.

YAMI: Hey, sexy.

- Yugi blinks dumbly. Then makes a bunch of clicking squeaky noises, like Flipper the dolphin. The horror! YAMI'S true love is a mute! Will they be able to overcome this tragic problem, or will their love wither and die like a rose bombarded with gamma radiation!?

- Meanwhile, it is another regular day in the life of JOEY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. He slays some vampires, goes to school, slays some vampires, watches TV, then slays more vampires.

JOEY: This life of meaningless slaughter seems so…empty. If only I could find true love.

- Surprise surprise, he does, but WITH A VAMPIRE!!!! Oh no! What a SHOCKING plot twist. And, even more SHOCKING, the vampire is SETO KAIBA, prince of darkness!!!

How can such a love endure?

READERS: We don't really care. This story is stupid and makes no sense.

AUTHOR: OMG, f14m3rs r lk3 s000 unk3w1.

R34d3r2: Huh?

- And while all this is going on, in a pound somewhere, NEKO-CHAN BAKURA is adopted by RYOU. But not RYOU as we know him. Oh, no. That would be too obvious. And coherent. This RYOU is a POP MEGASTAR or a WORLD FAMOUS ACTOR or something.

RYOU: Awww. Lookit the kitty.

BAKURA: Bite me.

RYOU: It talks. I am surprisingly unphased by this. But then, in a world full of vampires, demons and mermaids, what's a talking cat?

BAKURA: You are a bastard and I hate you. Crawl up your own ass and die.

RYOU: Awwww. KAWAIIIIIII.

- He takes the evil, hateful kitty home with him, and love blossoms. Just to make it less creepy, let's pretend that BAKURA is a were-cat, and becomes human at night. So its not bestiality, right?

- TEA meanwhile, is a crack whore, who gets beaten up by her pimp, BANDIT KIETH, and then takes an overdose. LOL.

THAT GUY WHOSE NAME BEGINS WITH A T: Hey, can I be in this story? Please? Pretty please?

AUTHOR: Sure!

- He is a chair. An extremely unattractive one. One of the characters we care about may sit on him at some point. Or maybe not. It doesn't really matter.

- PEGASUS is MICHAEL JACKSON.

PEGASUS: Come to my magic island, little children.

- The AUTHOR is flamed for not being random enough.

AU WRITERS: AU is about like putting the characters in situations they like wouldn't normally be in. What's fresh and original about him being a pedophile?

POLITICALY CORRECT READERS: Pedophilia is not a laughing matter.

EVERYONE ELSE: Bite me.

- And now, back from that disturbing tangent, and on with the story.

- YAMI and YUGI try to live together, but it just doesn't work. JOEY'S relationship with KAIBA doesn't work either. Possibly because he ate JOEY'S DAD. BAKURA and RYOU break up after BAKURA pees on the couch and tries to gouge his boyfriend's eyes out. SERENITY, the professional wrestler falls for MOKUBA the hunchbacked football mascot, but their love can't endure them both putting their careers first. And REX the insect hunter breaks up with his boyfriend WEEVIL, a paleontologist. PEGASUS gets arrested and charged with child abuse. BANDIT KEITH beats up TEA some more. That PENGUIN GUY decides he doesn't like them after all, and starts obsessing about FLAMINGOS. He paints himself pink and stands naked on one leg in someone's back yard. He is arrested too, and shares a cell with PEGASUS.

- This is TRAGIC and SAD. Will they ever get back together? Will the charges ever be dropped?

- The READERS do not reply, because no one is reading this. Undeterred, the AUTHOR just keeps writing.

- She prolongs the tension for as long as is humanly possible, even though it is painfully clear that it will all end happily. It does.

- YAMI and YUGI make up and have babies. Don't ask me how. They just do. JOEY magically cures his lover's vampirism, and they live happily ever after. They have babies too. Again, please don't ask. BAKURA and RYOU also have children. A whole litter of 'em. Aaawwww. Freakish mutant cat babies are soooo kawai. And I can't be bothered to list what else happens. They all live happily ever after. Except TEA. She dies. Slowly and painfully.

The End

Ok, this chapter was short and stupid. No matter. The scary thing? Many of those were taken from actual stories. Except the hunchback football mascot. I'm sorry the cookies hurt your teeth, ijpyu. I'll make less painful ones next time.


	6. MST

**The Ultimate cliché catalogue**

Author's notes: I know MSTs are banned here, but don't worry. This is not a real MST. I did not steal anyone else's work. I wrote the badfic myself and have faith (however unfounded) in humanity.I believe that no one could actually write a badfic that bad. Could they?

Ok, it seems some people are confused, so I thought I would add this; An MST is a method of mocking a particularly bad fic which consists of the writer inserting comments made by the actual characters into the badfic, as they read it. The name and format is derived from the old tv show Mystery Science Theatre 3000. For a more coherent and in depth description, look it up on wikipedia. And I do love MSTs (the well written ones anyway) but sometimes they are just as bad as the fics they mock. Hence this parody.

Chapter 6 – MST

- The gang are in the game shop, playing games, when SUDDENLY and to everyone's COMPLETE surprise, they are abducted by a MYSTERIOUS force and sent to a MYSTERIOUS location.

YAMI: Wow. That was SURPRISING and UNLIKELY.

JOEY: Gee…I wonder if anyone else has been abducted. That would be EVEN MORE surprising and unlikely.

- They wait a few minutes.

JOEY: I said "I won-

- SUDDENLY and SURPRISINGLY, some other victims appear. They are KAIBA, MOKUBA, the two BAKURAS, PEGASUS, MARIK, ISIS and MAI.

- Together, they make up the cast of pretty much every MST ever written. Most of them won't even have a speaking part, but they must be present nevertheless.

- Everyone expresses confusion for several paragraphs, until…

MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY VOICE OF DOOM: My name is longer than my speaking role!

ALL: Wha…?

MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY VOICE OF DOOM: I suppose you are wondering why I've imprisoned you all here…

KAIBA: Not really. You plan to torture us by forcing us to read poorly written fanfiction about ourselves.

MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY VOICE OF DOOM:…How did you know…?

KAIBA: This has happened to me twelve times in the last week.

BAKURA: Yeah. Yesterday, two of you fangirls fought to the death over who got to abduct me first.

MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY VOICE OF DOOM: Well anyway, you're going to go through the motions anyway.

JOEY: Or what?

- The MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY VOICE OF DOOM makes some stupid and not particularly threatening threats, and possibly turns someone into a squirrel or something with her AWESOME MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY POWERS OF DOOM.

YAMI: Fine. We'll play ball. Let the obligatory complaints session commence.

PEGASUS: Woe is me, for I am trapped in a poorly decorated room, with poorly decorated geeks. But at least this gives me the chance to explore my platonic and fatherly relationship with MOKUBA-BOY.

- He smiles creepily. MOKUBA hides behind his brother.

ISIS: I don't really have a personality past being vague and mysterious, but many writers seem to like me for some reason, so I will be described as "empowered" and "fiery" and kick everyone's asses at regular intervals.

MARIK: Since my natural state is homicidal, and this situation will only serve to exacerbate it, the chances are I'm going to try to kill everyone two paragraphs in. Meh.

YUGI: Why does everyone want to torture me? What did I ever do?

- They all sit down. For some reason, the AUTHOR feels the need to tell us exactly where each character is sitting. YUGI is sitting on a chair to the far right. YAMI is sitting on his left, also on a chair. And MARIK is…you get the picture.

_Wun dey in douminow high skool_

KAIBA: Aaaargh. Bad spelling, my arch nemesis. This will serve to drive me insane in exactly nine sentences time.

_Yamey woz skiping downe teh halwey. _

YAMI: This is absurd! I do not skip. I stride in an extremely manly fashion.

- He rants for a few lines.

KAIBA: Hah! They called you Yamey. I'm making snide remarks! See how in character I am!? Go me!

_Hey wuz pocking flowuz too giv to his buyfriend Keyba_

YAMI/KAIBA: Arrrgh! Indignation!

MOKUBA: You can't pick flowers indoors.

- Pause while everyone stares at him.

MOKUBA: Well I don't have any amusing hang-ups with the other characters, and I had to say something.

- Everyone is still staring at him.

MOKUBA: Right…sorry…um…big brother!

- Everyone relaxes.

_Theey woz in lurve and was gonig too have baybies. _

ALL: …

_But Joey-woey-snugglebuns _

JOEY: They called me a disgustingly cute nickname. Oh the humiliation.

_said noe i wante tu mairy yamey soo wey can habe the moest pinkletun globin ine the hestroy of spaine._

ALL: …

- No one has a clue as to what the hell that last sentence meant, so the AUTHOR just copies and pastes some dialogue from earlier on to mask the awkward gap. ODDLY enough, we can't tell the difference.

THOMAS/TRISTIN/TIMOTHY: I am occasionally called upon to ask why we never use the bathroom.

YUGI: Well…It's not like we use it in the regular stories, so why should we need to here?

THOMAS/TRISTIN/TIMOTHY: So the AUTHOR can get some poo jokes in…? Besides, that's my only role in these things, aside from arguing with JOEY over nothing in particular.

- He argues with JOEY over nothing in particular, but ISIS breaks it up using GIRL POWER.

_Then soodenly, crisina agularia ataked with her freinds the tooth faerie, braney the puple dinosar and teh chupmunks. _

TEA: Why are all these badfic writers so obsessed with BARNEY THE DINOSAUR?

- We ignore her.

_Yamey defted the evil wiht his milenileniumel wellingtoons of the apocalipes _

YAMI:…No comment.

- The cut and paste tools malfunction from over use.

JOEY: Man, this sure is a crap story…Uh…KAIBA…?

- He discretely kicks said person in the shins.

KAIBA: Oh yeah, that's right. It's time for one of us to completely snap, and I'm normally the first to go. It's not my fault, I'm just highly strung.

- He takes a deep breath.

KAIBA: Aaaaaaaaah! The comma usage in the third paragraph was totally incorrect! And don't these idiots realise that a suffix can only be used after the plural had been inverted!? OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!

- He has hysterics and some random people are injured in a highly contrived and unconvincing way. The zany antics continue until the AUTHOR gets bored, and a straight jacket appears on him. We all laugh at the AUTHOR'S sharp wit and comic timing while secretly plotting to kill her with one of those cyanide firing umbrella things.

MARIK: I want to kill the pharaoh.

- Pause.

MARIK: I have to keep saying that every so often, or people forget I'm here.

PEGASUS: I like to molest children.

- Another pause

PEGASUS:…Me too.

_Ande tehy al went bak to bieng gaye. _

- Insert the indignant comments of your choice.

_Tehy al got pised adn made ot in keyba's office_

ALL: INDIGNATION!!!

- We are continually astounded by the AUTHOR'S wit.

MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY VOICE OF DOOM: How do you like your torture so far, fools?

RYOU: It's not actually that bad. We don't have to pay bills or work or even use the bathroom. All we have to do is read a stupid story every so often about a bunch of stuff that's never even happened. I don't know what everyone's making such a fuss about…

- He is chucked out for MAKING SENSE.

_In the ende, everyeno gotte maried but tehn they al had afares and deid of aids. _

BAKURA: Hey everyone, let's overreact!

- They do. The scene with KAIBA is repeated, only with different peoples names inserted.

MAI: Please let that be the end. I am sick of being hit with the same freaking chair all the time. Can we at least have some creative weapons?

_But thate wasnt teh end _

ALL:!CENSORED!

_Ther was manee mor advetnures too cum even thuohg tehy ar ded_

- Fortunately for us, this wonderful website (god bless their ironic hatred of plagiarism) deletes the story before we can suffer any longer.

THE END

Or is it?

Yes, it really is.

For now…

Man, this update took a long time. Thank you to my reviewers, and here are some replies.

Kikoken: I personally have no objection to Tea. It just seems everyone else does. And I must faithfully reproduce it.

nedthejanitor: I do indeed intend to parody a parody. Eventually. Though God knows how.

And just think about this; Pegasus' initials are M.J. Pegasus. "MJ" as in Michael Jackson. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!! It's a conspiracy, I tell ya!!! And what relationship does this have to Mary Jane "MJ" Watson, Spiderman's girlfriend? I think you can see where I'm going with this…


	7. Chat room

Author's notes: Just a quickie this time. The shortness is a comment on how little substance there is to this genre. It's not my laziness. I'll write a really good one next time. Slightly different format, but my usual one doesn't work for this genre. Had real trouble making up stupid names for everyone. Oh well. Enjoy.

Chapter 7 – Chat rooms

**MidgetsRhot**: Hi everyone!!!!

**JoeysDaMan!!!!!**: Yo!

**TheGuyThatsSoUnimportantICantEvenBeArsedToMakeUpANameForHim**: Hi!

**ImNotCrazyIReallyAmAnAncientEgyptian**: Hello.

**WhyAmIBritishAnyway?**: Wassup?

**MidgetsRhot**: So…how r u guys doin?

**JoeysDaMan**: I'm good.

**TheGuyThatsSoUnimportantICantEvenBeArsedToMakeUpANameForHim**: Me 2. lol.

**JoeysDaMan!!!!!**:…

**ImNotCrazyIReallyAmAnAncientEgyptian**:…

**EvilRichBastard**:…

**WhyAmIBritishAnyway?**:…

**ImNotCrazyIReallyAmAnAncientEgyptian**: …So does any1 have anything 2 say?

**MidgetsRhot**: …Not really…

**WhyAmIBritishAnyway?**:…

**EvilRichBastard**:…

**ImNotCrazyIReallyAmAnAncientEgyptian**:…

**JoeysDaMan!!!!!**:…

**TheGuyThatsSoUnimportantICantEvenBeArsedToMakeUpANameForHim**:…

**EvilRichBastard**: Why am I even here, wasting valuable time, chatting with a bunch of people I don't even like? I'm so outta here.

**EvilRichBastard Has left the chat room.**

**EvilRichBastard Has entered the chat room.**

**MidgetsRhot**: Why r you still here?

**EvilRichBastard**: The author is holding a gun to my head. :( lol.

**OralRetentivePsycho**: I like to lick stuff.

**ImNotCrazyIReallyAmAnAncientEgyptian**: WTF?

**WhyDoesEveryoneWantMeDead**?: Why are we in a chat room anyway? We see each other every day.

**WhyDoesEveryoneWantMeDead? Has been booted**.

**ImNotCrazyIReallyAmAnAncientEgyptian**: Thank God for that. I hate that bitch.

**EvilRichBastard**: She's right though. And everyone knows chat rooms are just a place for paedophiles to groom their victims.

**FunnyRabbitLover**: Hello children. :)

**EvilRichBastard has left the chat room**

**ImNotCrazyIReallyAmAnAncientEgyptian has left the chat room**

**OralRetentivePsycho has left the chat room**

**MigetsRHot has left the chat room**

**WhyAmIBritishAnyway? Has left the chat room**

**JoeysDaMan has left the chatroom**

**TheGuyThatsSoUnimportantICantEvenBeArsedToMakeUpANameForHim Has left the chat room**

**FunnyRabbitLover**: Um…hello? I don't want to molest you. Honest. I just want a friend. I'm so lonely. Anyone? Please? Bugger.

The End

There. A biiiiig thank you to my many reviewers. I love you guys. But not in a creepy way. Honest.


	8. Ancient Egypt

Author's notes: So I'm back. Sorry for the wait, my loyal fans. Heh. How egotistical am I? Anyway, as it says on my author bio thing, my schedule has just gotten too hectic for me to make regular updates and give badfics the mocking they so badly need. I'll do my best but - awww, who am I kidding? Who even reads these things? On with the fic.

Ancient Egypt

- The scene is ANCIENT EGYPT (fairly obviously – it's what this chapter's called). Everyone is wandering around doing Ancient Egyptiany stuff. But since the AUTHOR knows bugger all Egyptology, it's not particularly Egyptian. Or even interesting.

RANDOM MERCHANT: Oranges! Get 'chor loverly oranges!!!!

RANDOM CHILD: Yo homie, dis hood is buzzin'!

OTHER RANDOM CHILD: I is hearin you, my brutha!

- A messenger rides towards the palace. He is DISHEVELLED and EXHAUSTED but hey, name a day in ANCIENT EGYPT when a DISHEVELLED and EXHAUSTED messenger doesn't ride towards the palace bearing news of an IMMINENT INVASION OF DARK FORCES!!!!111! Go on, I dare you.

DISHEVELED AND EXHAUSTED MESSENGER: Sire! I bring news of an IMMINENT INVASION OF DARK FORCES!!!!111! GENGHIS KHAN and his horses of VIKING BERSERKERS are preparing for battle as we speak!!!!

ATEM: What? But we've only just fended off the last RANDOM and ANACHRONISTIC threat to the kingdom! No fair!!!

SETH (It's not his name, but the AUTHOR likes the sound of it): Although I'm actually an extremely unpleasant person with no redeeming qualities, everyone seems to really like me for some reason, so I will be portrayed as COURAGEOUS and HONOURABLE. Allow me to lead our army into battle, great pharaoh!

JOU: …What am I even doing here? JOEY didn't have an ANCIENT EGYPTIAN preincarnation…

KALIM/SHADA: Just roll with it. You aren't even a real character but you'll still have more of a part than me.

- Poor KALIM/SHADA replaces THAT GUY WITH THE PENCIL FOR A HEAD as the most ignored/expendable character. It transpires that "JOU" is captain of the guard or a soldier or something.

AKNADIN: I am OLD and SAGE. And definitely not EVIL. Nope. Not me. Ahem.

SHIMON: I am a convenient information dump. It's too dangerous to attack KHAN directly. He has allied himself with MERLIN THE UBER POWERFUL DARK WIZARD. And SHERLOCK HOLMES.

AKNADIN: And I fear that NAPOLEON and HITLER will –

SETH: This is just getting ridiculous. So who else have they teamed up with? Let me guess; HENRY VIII, ABRAHAM LINCOLN and CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.

SHIMON: …Well…now that you mention it…

ISIS: And I'll bet that JESUS character's in on it somewhere…

- Christians, please note that CATCH 23 means no offence to you or your Messiah. She respects your religious beliefs and really doesn't want to be burnt at the stake for heresy. So put the pitchfork down please…

ATEM: So what do we do?

MAHAAD: You're the Pharaoh. You tell us.

ATEM: Uh…We must have faith in the POWER OF FRIENDSHIP.

- They do. The DARK FORCES invade anyway.

ATEM: Bugger. There goes my strategy.

SHIMON: So what do we do now? We're running out of time.

ATEM: Um…Hide under the bed till they go away.

JOU: That's not good enough! We have to fight!

SETH: No, we have to fight for our kingdom!

JOU: That's what I just said.

SETH: Yeah, but regardless of our opinions, we can't agree about anything. Even though there's no established reason for it, we hate each other.

JOU: Right. Wait…aren't we lovers?

SETH: I thought I was doing the pharaoh.

MAHAAD: No, I am. Or was it Isis…?

ATEM: But I'm supposed to be having a doomed love affair with BAKURA. And a MYSTERIOUS AND BEAUTIFUL SLAVE GIRL WITH A TROUBLED PAST.

JOU: But BAKURA isn't even in this story. And I though I was with the SUE.

ATEM: You just said you were with SETH.

JOU: Oh yeah…

AKNADIN: No, SETH is in a DISTURBING and INCESTUOUS relationship with me.

ALL: ….Eeeew.

AKNADIN: Hey, I didn't write it.

ISIS: The problems caused by random shipping are really quite horrific. But by donating just one dollar a month to the Society for the Legal Abolishment of Stupid Homosexual Shipping Targeting Oppressed imaginary People (SLASHSTOP), you can put a stop to it. Full stop.

SETH: Important as our sexual relationships are, shouldn't we get back to the whole "IMMINENT INVASION OF DARK FORCES!!!!111!" thing?

MAHAAD: I could nobly sacrifice my life performing a powerful spell that would save us all!

ATEM: I can't let you do that. It's not worth it.

SHIMON: But surely the lives of everyone in this kingdom are worth more than the life of one stuffy priest…

SETH: And anyway, he does this every freakin story! It's getting really old. Besides, I have a brilliant plan that involves no loss of life on our side, but will totally decimate the DARK FORCES!!!!111! Its fool proof! All we have to do is –

MAHAAD: No, save your pleas. I know what I must do!

- The AUTHOR had completely forgotten about MANA until now, but brings her in to plead with MAHAAD. But to no avail. He does the stupid spell and dies, heroically.

- The DARK FORCES!!!!111! are totally wiped out. There is much rejoicing. Yay.

- The characters stare at MAHAAD'S corpse. ATEM weeps bitterly.

SETH: I still don't get why we didn't go with my plan.

ISIS: Meh. Not dramatic enough.

JOU: Now what do we do?

ATEM: Invent underwear. I'm sick of fangirls trying to look up my stupid skirt thing.

SETH: And find out why everyone in ANCIENT EGYPY is a rampant HOMOSEXUAL.

- And that is the story of how EGYPT, the JEWEL OF THE NILE and CRADLE OF CIVILISATION created panties. And they all lived happily ever after.

THE END

Like I said, nothing against Jesus or Christians. Or homosexuals. Hey, my best friend is gay. And I know everyone says that, but it's true. Though I do hate historical inaccuracy. Do your freakin research, people!!! It takes five minutes to Google something. FIVE MINUTES!!!

I'm ok.


	9. Sue Bashing

Wow, that was a pretty quick update, huh? Go me.

Chapter 8 – Sue Bashing

AUTHOR: I just hate all these f-cking SUES. Everyone is such a f-cking n00b and they don't know sh-t about YuGiOh. They're just destroying CANNON! F-ck them all!

READERS: Well if these stories piss you off so much, why don't you just oh, I don't know, NOT READ THEM? Seriously, which is more pathetic? Writing badly written fanfics, or writing badly written attempts at bashing badly written fanfics?

- The READERS are ignored. Who cares what they want anyway? The whole point of FANFICTION is self-indulgence.

AUTHOR: Cause these people are like so f-ing stupid, and they don't even know it.

- She continues like this for several paragraphs.

AUTHOR: Well I'll show em! I'll show em all!!!! Muhahahahahahaha!!!

- And so it begins.

- It is a SUNNY day in DOMINO CITY. OMG isn't this just so f-ing cliché?

- The gang are in SCHOOL. LOL.

- Suddenly, a transfer student arrives. OMG it's a SUE, LOL, aren't you so f-cking surprised?

- The SUE'S name is LETTITIARAINBOWSUNSHINEGLORYSPARKLEPANTS KAIBAMUTOBAKURAWHEELER-CHAN. Cause SUE'S always have like really long names and they're like crap and shit. But I'm lazy as hell so even though I've made up this stupid name, I'm not going to use it. I'll call her DEREK. LOL.

- DEREK is like uber-pretty and her hair is so f-cking long that it touches the floor and shit. Basically, go back to the ROMANCE chapter and read the description I wrote then. Only add f-ck every few words.

DEREK: KAWAI YUUGI CHAAN!!!!!!!!! F-CK me right here, right now, in this classroom.

- We are impressed by the AUTHOR'S wit. We all hate SUES, and so it is logical that DEREK is a slut.

- Everyone is entranced by DEREK, and all the bishies like love her and shit.

YUGI: I love her.

YAMI: Me too.

KAIBA: Yeah.

BAKURA: Totally.

JOEY: Her hair smells like RED FRUIT LOOPS. Nope, no product placement here. And I'm not ripping of the Simpsons. No Sir.

MARIK: What the hell am I even doing here?

- We hate DEREK for character raping our beloved gang, and hope she dies PAINFULLY.

- Suddenly, another girl entered the classroom. She's kind of plain, but in a really HAWT way. She wears like a pair of grubby combat pants, and a plain top, and it's sort of low cut, but not in a slutty way or anything. Her hair's brown and not all shiny and shit.

MYSTERIOUS GIRL WHO IS NO DOUBT THE AUTHOR: I am the AUTHOR!

READERS WITH MORE THAN ONE BRAIN CELL: You are? No shit, Sherlock.

MYSTERIOUS GIRL WHO HAS NOW BEEN REVEALED AS THE AUTHOR: This evil SUE has escaped into your world. I'm far too kewl to actually write a SUE myself. No, she was like in a story written by my RETARDED COUSIN, and she escaped into my story and now we have to stop her.

- The AUTHOR'S powers break the spell the SUE has put on everyone. But only temporarily. Cause the AUTHOR is still a realistic and likeable character. She's not a SUE. Nuh-uh.

KAIBA: So…you're telling me that our entire existence stems from the imagination of some moron with a keyboard? We aren't real people, just bits and bytes on some twat's computer's hard drive? We have no free will, we are merely subject to your capricious whims?

AUTHOR: Yup.

KAIBA: Huh. Whatever.

YUGI: I have an overwhelming desire to trust this girl and do whatever she says.

YAMI: Yeah. Me too.

AUTHOR: The only way to defeat the SUE is to fl4m3 her so badly she'll never write again.

JOEY: Ok. Hey, DEREK, YOU SUCK!!!!

DEREK: Nooooo! Criticism! My one weakness! Alas for I am undone!!!

BAKURA: Well that was anticlimactic.

- But DEREK has the 8th MILLENNIUM ITEM, the MILLENNIUM RUBBER CHICKEN OF DOOM. She owns everyone with her amazing powers of OCness. She throws the author across the room, and then drops a piano on her.

AUTHOR: Arrgh. I was defeated. See how unSUElike I am?

- Now nothing stands between the SUE and marriage to the bishie of her choice.

DEREK: But which one? They're all so pretty…

YAMI: Haha! We can escape whilst she tries to decide!

DEREK: Hell with it! I'll marry em all! My OC powers can overcome a small thing like the illegality of POLYGAMY!

- We hate and despise the EVIL SUE for stealing the pretty boys. How can it end this way!?

AUTHOR: No! I can't let you do that! I will lay down my life to defeat this threat to CANNON!!!

- She gathers all her power to rip the SUE from the FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE!!!

AUTHOR: You are poorly written and grammatically incorrect! No one reads your stories, and just reading "OCXanyone" in a summary is enough to make anyone skip your story.

- DEREK dies a PAINFUL and HUMILIATING death, but since she's a SUE and even more despised than TEA (Yes, I know, EVEN more despised that TEA. I'll let that sink in for a minute), everyone rejoices.

- Fortunately, the AUTHOR survives the battle. We are relieved, for in the short time we've known her, we have grown to love her for her well rounded and realistic personality. Her clothes are slightly dirty! See the character depth!

AUTHOR: Thank God! We defeated her and saved CANNON! Now everything is how it should be! But alas, I am now trapped in your world. Oh well. I shall be forced to make a life for myself here, and possibly marry one of you. But just one. I'm not greedy.

KAIBA: But don't you see…? You have become the very thing you sought to destroy. You have become…A SUE!

AUTHOR: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

- The AUTHOR is fl4m3d to death, and the READERS rejoice.

THE END

See this started out as a parody parody, but half way though I realised that it was turning into something else. I promise I will do a parody parody soon. Honest. Though God knows how.


End file.
